


Who You Are

by cursed_or_not



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Top!Castiel, bottom!Dean, canon!verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cursed_or_not/pseuds/cursed_or_not
Summary: A small one shot of Dean and Cas having a deep conversation about what makes Dean who he is when the hunting day is done.  Sam is off on a hunt of his own so they have the bunker to themselves.  Things get pretty intense.  Some feels for you and some smut.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel
Comments: 3
Kudos: 58





	Who You Are

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction. If it goes well, I'm hoping I can write some more. Let me know if you like it and maybe I'll go again (: Enjoy!

Dean could feel the tightness of his muscles as he picked up his weapons bag from the ground and slung it around his shoulder. He winced a bit at the twist. He was getting too old for this, but hey, why start complaining now? He watched as Sam drove away from the bunker before going inside, the puff of dirt starting to settle from the quick spin of tires. _Oh Dean, the wind up hunter._ The memory of the vampire he had his final fight with coming back to him, _they must just wind you up and place you in front of the next kill, huh buddy?_ Dean lifted his hand into a small wave goodbye as he turned around, separating from his brother. 

Sometimes after a long hunt, it was best if Sam went out on his own for the next one, or even just spent a few days in a motel alone. This had been a difficult one. They had just finished hunting a nest of vamps and they had been together, in each others faces, in a high tension setting for 3 whole weeks, and they needed some serious alone time. Even just before Dean got out of the car, he was starting to feel his temper rising from just the smallest noises that Sam was making.

He shut the door and waiting for the loud clang of it closing before moving down the stairs. With each movement he could feel his legs resisting more and more in their exhaustion. When Dean finally made it to the kitchen, he slammed down on one of the chairs and threw his bag off to the side. He let out a large sigh before bending over himself down to his boots to untie and push them off, the face of that vampire still fresh in his mind.

 _"Naaaa naaa naa nananana--nananana heeeey Juuude"_ he sang quietly to himself. Dean let his mind wander back to that conversation he couldn't seem to let go of as he undid his laces and attempted to get the blood out of them the best he could. Often times when his hands and eyes were occupied, some singing would slip out, usually not even realizing his was doing it. This went on for about five minutes before Dean looked up before standing up to grab a beer from the fridge. That's when he noticed that Cas had been standing there. 

Dean's whole body froze in embarrassment and he could feel his cheeks starting to heat up. _Damn it! How did Cas always manage to sneak up on him like that!?_ "What the hell, man?" he asked angirly. He looked up into the angel's beautiful blue eyes with frustration. "How long have you been standing there without saying anything?"

Castiel looked down at him with affection and appreciation in his expression. "Well Dean, I did clear my throat a few times, but you were incredibly lost in your own mind." he said, a small smile dancing on his lips. "When my first few subtle attempts at gaining your attention didn't seem to work, I didn't want to disturb you. I was also a little bit entranced by your singing, if I am telling the truth. What song is that?"

Dean tried his hardest to stay annoyed, but he felt his expression melt slightly at the compliment. "It's, uh, Hey Jude. It's a Beatles song. My mom used to, ya know, sing it to me before bed when I was a kid." Dean could feel his chest tighten slightly as he remembered her fondly, "It kind of just pops into my head sometimes." 

The two of them wait in silence for a while. It was only a minute or two at most, but to Dean, it felt like a year. He didn't enjoy being under Castiel's thoughtful gaze like this. Even though the expression on the angle's face was wholesome, it made Dean uncomfortable being the focus of attention like that. Dean finally broke the silence. "How long have you been here anyway?"

"Well I have been here for a few days actually," Cas started, grabbing himself a chair from the table before sitting down, "I saw the opportunity for some down time and I figured I'd come and see how things were going over here. Since you were gone I figured I would wait until you returned. I was listening to the music you let me borrow some time ago and must not have heard the door when you came back. I didn't realize you were hear until I heard your voice when I came out to look at something." 

Dean nodded slightly as he listened. He was glad that Cas had been listening to the tape he had given him. He wasn't sure if he would actually get around to it, what with all of the work they are always doing, and how Dean had told Cas to wait to listen to it until Dean was not there to provide commentary or sing over them so that way Cas could get his own feelings and reactions without them being spoiled. Dean felt his stomach tie into a knot, imagining Cas listening to it alone in his room, actually appreciating the gift he had given him so long ago. What Cas didn't know was that Dean had really been handing him his heart on a platter, but Dean intended to keep Cas in the dark about that one. 

Cas gave Dean a once over with his eyes before asking, "Is everything alright?", his eyes full of concern. 

Dean cleared his throat and realized that once again he had zoned out into his own thoughts. He wasn't sure how long they had been sitting there, again in silence. He rubbed his face with his hands and felt the grains of dirt that coated his eye lids and realized for the first time how dirty he was. Suddenly, he could even smell himself as he sat there, the salty stench of his sweat has filled the room some time ago, but he hadn't realized until right now. "Yeah, I'm okay, Cas." he muttered, "I think I just need a shower that's all."

Castiel huffed a laugh through his nose and replied, "I believe you're correct in that deduction, my friend.", before standing up and patting Dean on the shoulder before walking out of the kitchen. Cas was a few steps into the hallway before yelling back to Dean, "Let me know if you need anything", and then Dean heard the door of Castiel's bedroom shut behind him. 

  
After a few moments, Dean finally stood, much to his joints disappointment to make a start towards the bathroom. The further he walked, the more he realized how caked his was in blood, sweat, and mud from head to toe. He started walking faster and almost started running at the thought of finally being clean and shut the door to the bathroom behind him. He started to remove his clothes in a way that felt more like peeling them off and turned on the water. He heard the pipes shriek as the shower came to life after not being used for such a long time and hopped in once the water was nice and scalding like he liked it. 

Dean immediately ran his fingers through his hair as he felt the blood from that vamp ooze out with the water as he pushed it off of his head. The water turned a pinkish brown on the floor of the shower beneath him. Dean tried to get the conversation out of his mind, but it seemed almost impossible. He turned his back to the shower head and reached for the shampoo before diving back into the memory from just a few hours before.

_The vampire, Killian, stood before him. His hands were up in a form of defeat as Dean stood, iron solid glare into the monsters eyes, as Dean gripped his axe tightly in his hand. "Oh Dean, the wind up hunter.", he said, a creepy grin of recognition crawling across his face. "They must just turn your key and place you in front of the next kill, huh buddy?"  
_

_Dean cocked his head in confusion, "Hm" he pushed out, "Odd choice of dying words, I'll give you that"_

_Killian started to circle him, his grin widening, "Well, your reputation precedes you, Winchester. Once I caught word that it was you that was hunting us, I truly knew that we were done for."_

_Dean followed in the vampires circling motion, curious to see where this monologue was going. "I guess I'm just not sure why you're smiling then." Dean confessed, continuing to walk in slow circles with the monster. "Because you're right, I am going to kill you, just like I killed all your friends."_

_"Well Dean," Killian began, almost cackling now, "I at least know who I am outside of my hunting needs. Yes I am a vampire, and yes I kill to eat, and YES I enjoy every last minute of it, but outside of that part of my life? Well, I know who I am. I am a father, I am a writer, and I know what it means to lead a full and satisfying life." Dean was not sure what was going on here, but he was getting more uncomfortable by the second. "So yes, you will kill me. But, at least I will die knowing who I am, and that's a whole hell of a lot more than just a vampire. Can the same thing be said for you, Dean?"_

_Dean stopped cold in his tracks._

_"When the day is done, and the lights go out, do you have any sense of identity away from this life of yours? Running from angles, demons, and things like me? Or is this all that you have to keep you warm at night?" Killian began to chuckle as Dean thought about his words. "Will you ever be anything but a mindless killer?"_

_The echo of Killian's laugh grew greater until Dean finally had enough and charged him. The kill was over quickly. He picked up his phone to call Sam to let him know it was done._

Dean allowed his mind to return back to the present, feeling the warm water wash away the grime as well as comfort the sore muscles that were now starting to loosen slightly. He didn't know the answer to the vampire's questions. Who was he when the hunting day was done? Dean could think of nothing. Was this surly, shoot first ask questions later, tell me where the demon is and I'll kill it hunter the only part of himself he had to call is own? Dean has always known that he wasn't one for the suburb life or quitting the life, but he had never really realized how little he knew himself outside of the self hatred and all consuming duty he had to save the world from itself over and over again.

Dean looked down at his own hands, which were shaking now, and clenched his fist as he tried to push the doubts out of his mind. He didn't have time for an existential crisis or a mental breakdown. He couldn't afford that luxury. He reached for the shower nozzle and shut it off, once he finally felt he had gotten all of the gross off of himself from the past 24 hours and grabbed a towel to wrap around himself before stepping out completely. He felt the cool air hit his skin and he shuddered a bit, still scrambling to think of who he was beyond his hunting persona. 

He walked back to his bedroom, putting on his dead guy robe, and sitting on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands. He flinched as he felt a slight pain coming from his temple and saw a few spots of dark blood on his finger tips. He put his hand up again to find the source before looking in the mirror the see the small gash on his forehead. He hadn't realized that some of the blood had been his own. He shrugged and wiped his hands on his robe, just when he heard a slight knock at the door.

Dean lifted his eyes and put his mirror down on his nightstand before saying "C'mon in, Cas" and watching as Castiel poked his head in cautiously. 

Castiel's eyebrows furrowed in concern as he looked at Dean. "Dean, your head", he pointed out, before walking over to the bed and sitting down next to Dean on the end of the mattress. He placed his fingers on the edges of the cut, inspecting it. 

"It's not a big deal, Cas, I didn't even realize it was there until I was cleaned up.", Dean exhaled, trying hard not to lean into the soft touch of his friends fingertips. Castiel's hands were always so warm.

"Don't be stupid." Cas replied, placing his palm against the gash as Dean gasped quietly in pain. The wound was healed quickly and Cas's hand seemed to linger. Perhaps Dean was just imagining things. 

Dean went back to his thoughts that seemed to be relentless tonight, as Cas looked at him with confusion and slightly worry. "What's going on in there?" he asked, brushing his knuckles against Dean's hair before laying his hands back on his lap. Dean was brought back to his surroundings by the touch.

"It's nothing, Cas." He started, looking away, but still feeling the intense investigation of his friends intense stare. "It's no-" he stalled and took a deep breath. He turned again to look back at Cas. His eyes searching Dean's face and looking as handsome as ever. Dean decided to let him in. "One of the vamps that I took down..really got to me before I killed him." He said, his voice shaking a little. "I know that monsters and anything else that goes bump in the night will say whatever they can to mess with you in their final minutes but, I don't know, this guy really crawled under my skin this time." Dean looked to Cas and expected to see an eye roll or more confusion, but instead he was met with a compassionate look and a gesture for him to continue. 

"Go on, Dean. I'm listening", Cas said encouragingly. 

Dean took another deep breath and nodded. "He said that I am just a wind up toy. That there's nothing to me except for hunting and killing. I'm afraid he's right." Dean could feel the tears starting to burn into his eyes. He blinked him out of existence and looked toward the floor in hopes of keeping his emotions to himself. "I just-" Dean tried "I just don't know who I am outside of the blood and gore, Cas. What if this is all I am? An assassin for God or whoever the hell is running this shit show anymore." Dean exhaled long and hard. He laced his fingers through his hair and let the words he had just spoken soak into the room around him. He was afraid to move. Finally, after a few seconds, he sat back up again and forced himself to look at Cas. 

Cas just sat there, staring a Dean for a while, his expression softening more and more before he finally spoke. "Oh Dean" he said so quietly it was almost a whisper. Dean swallowed and clenched his jaw, bracing himself for Cas's answer when Cas said, "You could never just be an assassin. You are all humanity has to offer and more." Dean inhaled sharply at the kind words and opened his mouth to deflect it when Castiel spoke again, "You want to know who you are, Dean Winchester? You are the man who sold your soul to save the ones you love. You are the man who plays air guitar to lighten the mood after a long and terrible fight. You are the man who taught someone else's son how to fix the engine of a car and helped raise him like he was your own blood. You are the man who will eat pie until he is sick to his stomach, and still go back for more the next day. You are the man who sifted through a land of monsters to find me and bring me back to earth safely, and you are the man who I found singing his mother's favorite song in the kitchen while he was lost in thought. You are kind, you are strong-willed, and you love fiercely. You are someone I would die to let live another day, Dean." 

Castiel's words were shaky towards the end and all Dean could do was stare. His mouth was open slightly in shock. He had heard Cas talk this passionately and full of emotion only a few times before. Dean couldn't think of a word to say, all of a sudden, his body just took over. 

Dean leaned forward and grabbed the sides of Castiel's head and pulled him in until his lips were against his own. It was quick and soft. He pulled his head back in panic, not believing what he had just done and felt his face heat up in a blush. Cas sat there. His eyes wide. Dean squeezed his eyes shut in shame, "I'm sorry, Cas. That was weird, I didn't even think I just did it! Please just forget that happened I-" 

Dean didn't get the chance to finish his sentence. Cas reached across the space between them and pulled Dean in towards himself to kiss him again. This time however, was not so soft and quiet. Cas was filled with need. He locked Dean's lips between his and cupped Dean's face in his palm as they kissed. Dean opened his mouth slightly, and Cas found his way in, his tongue gently caressing Dean's. Dean let out a quiet breathy moan as he tried to wrap his mind around what was happening. Castiel's mouth was warm and inviting, and he never thought that he would have had the balls to find himself here, knowing what the inside of his mouth felt like. Dean grabbed the front of Cas's trench coat in his fists and held on tight as Cas searched his mouth, his hand finding a place on the base of Dean's skull just before his neck. Cas moved to start kissing the corner of his mouth, his cheek, and began to kiss along Dean's jaw. Dean continued to breath heavily blinking hard in his still shocked state. Finally Cas said, between rushed kisses against Dean's stubble, "Don't ever apologize, I've been waiting for his for years." 

Dean gasped, hearing Cas's voice all gravelly and dark as Cas pushed him back lightly to lie back on the mattress. Cas followed him, hovering above him as he began to place light kisses on Dean's neck. The goosebumps flooded Dean's arms and shivered through his body. Cas was quick, but Dean felt the amount of love that Cas was putting into this. It wasn't just a screw or lust oriented, Cas was adoring him. Quickly, the kisses changed to open mouthed kisses as Dean felt the warm and slick tongue begin to leave it's trace down his neck and Cas bit down on his pulse point. This elicited another moan from Dean, who was quickly realizing who would be in control here. Not that he was surprised, that was usually how it had went with other guys in the past. 

Cas moved his hands to the knot that was currently keeping Dean's robe secure to his body. Cas loosened it and finally, _finally,_ put his hands on Dean's unclothed torso. Cas's mouth moved down to Dean's chest now, kissing, mouthing, licking, nipping, anywhere Cas could do so, like he was afraid Dean was going to disappear if he stopped. Dean ran his fingers into Castiel's dark and silky hair, keeping his lower lip clamped between his teeth to keep himself from being too noisy. "Cas" he whispered, almost like a prayer. 

Castiel responded by rolling his hips into Dean's as he rolled his tongue over Dean's nipple. Dean's breath hitched and he groaned from deep in this throat. "Cas, you don't know what you're doing to me, man." Cas nipped slightly at the nipple he'd been paying so much attention to and Dean whimpered. Cas finally lifted his head to see Dean, shuddering beneath him as they continued to roll their hips together. Dean pulled the angel down to himself and kissed him, open mouthed, and sucked on his lower lip and sank his teeth down into the pink cushions. Cas growled into his mouth and drove his tongue into Dean's mouth once more and groaned as Dean lifted his hips into Cas's once again. 

Dean broke away from the kiss to gasp when he felt Cas's hand palming against his erection. Cas's pupils were taking up almost his whole iris now as he spoke, "You are so beautiful, Dean. You are a beautiful, complex, and intricate man, and I'm so happy to call you mine." His voice was sex filled and dark, but it was adoring at the same time. Cas removed his hand and Dean whined from the loss, until he felt Cas undo his robe completely and wrap his hand around Dean's cock. Dean moaned again and pulled Castiel in impossibly closer and threw his arms around his neck and kissed him hard. He clawed against Cas's back before shoving his fingers under his coat and shoving it off of him in frustration. He was in desperate need to feel Cas's skin on his own. He had been waiting so long and there were far to many clothes. Cas lifted for a short second to remove his tie when Dean, ripped Cas's shirt and his buttons went flying. Cas let out a small chuckle, "I mean, we could have just taken it off like we were civilized, but I guess that works too." 

Dean smiled and pulled Cas in so they were chest to chest. Dean began fussing with Cas's belt until he was able to zip his jeans down and shove his hand down in to the angle's pants, finally feeling the warmth and weight of his hard on in his hands. Cas hissed loudly into Dean's mouth and Dean shoved his jeans down until they were both completely naked grinding against each other. Dean's head was spinning, and he was afraid he could've cum just like this, his hips circling on Cas's thigh as Cas thrusted up into his hand, but he knew he wanted more. Cas started to kiss Dean's neck again. He could feel Cas sucking hard and biting down, leaving a dark purple mark on his neck. Claiming Dean as his own. Dean moaned and grabbed onto Cas's hair for dear life. 

"Please, C-Cas" he whimpered, feeling Cas grab both their dicks into his hand and stroking them together. Cas let out a punched sound as the precum slathered all over his hand and kissed Dean harshly.

"Are you sure?" He whispered, kissing and biting at Dean's jaw.

Dean let go of Cas's hair with one hand and felt around under the pillow for his small bottle of lube and handed it to Cas, answering the question without words. Cas grabbed it and kissed Dean once more with so much passion Dean felt dizzy. He squeezed his eyes shut in anticipation, and suddenly felt Cas's lips on his stomach again, going down further and further. Dean groaned and rolled his hips up involuntarily to mean Cas's mouth. Cas expertly dodged it and Dean whined, until he felt Cas's lips go even further down still until his lips brushed against his entrance. Dean grabbed Castiel's hair again, shocked that he hadn't pulled any strands out yet and breathed shakily as Cas kissed his hole with an open mouth. Dean pushed down against his tongue, and the next thing he knew, it was going deep into the hole. 

Dean yelped at the feeling and moaned again, feeling frenzied. Cas ducked his tongue in and out expertly and slipped on of his slicked up fingers in as well. "Oh my GOD, Cas!" Dean yelled as Cas hummed against the warmth of Dean's body. Cas finally retreated his tongue and replaced it with another finger and began to scissor Dean open. He felt Cas's lips return to his hips as Cas licked at Dean's hip bones and finally at Dean's throbbing dick. He planted open kisses down the shaft and licked at the slit before Dean all but shouted, "Cas, if you don't fuck me now, we're going to have a problem.

Cas then lifted his mouth back up to Dean's mouth and kissed him hard. Dean ran his finger nails against the tough skin on Cas back as Cas kissed the life out of him and took his fingers away. Cas lifted from Dean's mouth and slicked up his own cock, and wrapped Dean's legs around his waist. Cas lined up with Dean and then slowly pushed in. It was painfully slow, but it stung in a way that set Dean's soul on fire and he moaned loud and long into Castiel's mouth. After a few seconds, Cas bottomed out and Dean opened his mouth against Cas's, "Fucking move, now!", and Cas obliged. He moved slowly at first, driving Dean crazy, and then slowly picked up the pace, until he was fucking Dean senseless. 

Dean had never felt more alive than he did right in this moment. He had wanted Cas for so long, and his dick felt so good inside him, he could barely contain himself. He was being so loud, but he didn't care. Castiel was kissing his neck, his cheek, the shell of his ear, and he was growling deep into Dean's ear. It was enough to make Dean explode. Cas reached to grab Dean's dick just as Cas found his prostate. Dean all but screamed into Cas's shoulder as shoved himself down into Castiel's thrusts. "Fuck, Cas, fuck!"

"Dean, I love you." Castiel pleaded against Dean's ear, his pace almost impossible now. Dean could feel his stomach starting to coil and his balls starting to tighten at Castiel's words. He opened his eyes and looked at Castiel's big blue ones all fucked out and blown and replied, "I've always loved you, you nut."

Cas sighed and it almost sounded like a whimper as he bit back down into Dean's neck, just on the spot were he had left that mark earlier, and suddenly Dean was coming, hot and hard against Castiel's hand. He moaned loud, and if he was being honest, pathetically as he rode his orgasm out. Castiel came not too long afterwards and then collapsed on top of Dean once it was all over.

Dean could feel the sticky remnants of his cum between his and Castiel's stomachs, but he couldn't be bothered to move right then. After a few minutes of silence, apart from deep breathing after coming down, Dean spoke, "Thank you, Cas. For everything." 

Cas rolled off of Dean and pulled into in close as he brushed Dean's now sex pulled hair out of his eyes. "I love you, Dean. I will for the rest of our lives." Cas whispered, and kissed Dean sweetly and softly. Dean put his forehead to Cas's and closed his eyes, grabbing Castiel's hand in his own. "I love _you._ " 


End file.
